I know I never update in here anymore...sorry. You guys know how I am: When my life is headed in a positive direction I don't write as much, & when things suck I come running back to my LJ to sort things out in my head.

Anywho, I hope everyone is doing well. Personally, I feel like myself again, and that's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I missed it and I didn't even know it. It's crazy how deep into a rut you'll let yourself dig before realizing how things really are.

On another note (because I just HAVE to bitch about something in every entry), I'm annoyed that someone wants to fight with me now that I'm gone. I'm really not sure why. Perhaps it's his way of really dealing with things. I know that his life has changed dramamtically in several ways, and I hope that he can look beyond those things and see some light. I did what was best for me. I had to. That's difficult to make people understand when they've been hurt though. So, maybe instead of flipping out and having the war of the worlds with him, I'll just let him say what he thinks he needs to say. Maybe that's all he really needs....to get it off his chest. We'll see.

Current Mood: contemplative

I'm a person that believes in signs.
I just felt like bringing that up for some reason.
I believe that sometimes when I don't know what to do, or what to say, or if I'm in denial about something for too long life will throw me a sign to snap me back into reality.
I believe in signs.
I really do.

Current Mood: melancholy

I don't want to talk about tomorrow. In fact, I want to stay inside all day tomorrow so I don't have to hear everyone re-live what happened last year.

Alas, I have to go to a funeral tomorrow, before work.

What a shitty day August 29th will always be.

"One day when my life has some kind of linear pattern to it, I will be able to breathe without holding my breath. One day I will look back at the things that I did, and not remember that half of the bullshit happened. One day all the bitterness that I have retained for the people who have hurt me will fade to blank memories."

I wrote that a long time ago. To be exact, I wrote it on December 5, 2002. I bring it up again, because I meant it at the exact moment I wrote it...and it's still relevant now, even though I have no clue exactly what I wrote that in reference to all that time ago. I'm so much better at writing things in the moment, than I am at speaking them in the moment. Perhaps that's because I don't allow myself to say the things I know I need to say, when I need to say them. I told myself when I moved to Hattiesburg I would say those things. Now that I'm leaving Hattiesburg I'm asking myself why I still left things unsaid. I wonder if that even makes any sense when read. Maybe I can rephrase....

At some point, my life became out of control. In the past 6 months, I've not allowed myself to say much. I've sat back and allowed things to be said without responding. Why? Well, I guess it's because the past two years have been the hardest years of my life thus far. I've gone through more than I could have ever imagined. I've lost a lot...in more ways than one. And none of it was in my control. Nor was any of it my doing, thankfully. I've had to realize that sometimes things just end or are taken away, and there's nothing I can do about it. That's hard for someone like me to realize and accept. I've had to do that over and over in the past 2 years, and I've hated every minute of it. But, I've accepted it....and learned to let go. That's why I've been able to let things go unsaid. Because I've had to learn to let go. Somewhere along the ride, I let Hattiesburg go. I feel relieved for doing so. Letting go of Hattiesburg has allowed me to let go of a huge part of my life.

On the other hand, I feel like an asshole for doing that. But I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. Hattiesburg has taught me a lot about myself. And in the past month and a half, it's allowed me to see things through a different light. Sometimes all one needs is a little light. I definitely got mine. And even though I feel like I'm deserting...or picking up and running away [because that's what most of you have known me to do]...I'm not. I'm actually facing things head on, believe or not. I'm not here to convince you of that, though. You're entitled to your own opinion. In fact, I haven't even allowed myself to talk about it. That right there proves to me I'm not running away from anything, but heading towards something else. My emotions have been put through the ringer so much since the end of May. But I made it out alive. During the past month, I've allowed things to be said to me that I would NEVER have allowed before. I went a little crazy. I've had the best and worst times. I've taken everything I possibly could into consideration. I've sat back and watched the world move around me, wondering would things really be all that different if I wasn't here right now?

And in Hattiesburg's case, the answer to that is "no". I'm a self-sufficient, over-independent person, and in coming to terms with that, I've noticed that too many people here are like that. Their lives won't change because I'm leaving. Moments will change, but not lives. So I don't have to feel bad about moving back to the Coast. And I don't. If anything, I'm relieved. I need something. I've needed something for a long time now. And I'm taking control of things and getting it. Things don't feel so up in the air now. And my mind has calmed down enough for me to see clearly, and think clearly, and act clearly. Hell, maybe I'll even start sleeping again. Wouldn't that be novel?

I suppose the entire point of this entry was [in summation **wink wink**] to say that I haven't been myself for at least 6 months. I haven't been anyone for six months. I have tried more to push everyone away than anything. But, I can't really allow myself to apologize for that though, because I needed to realize some things about myself. I finally feel normal again...I finally feel like myself. I haven't felt like that in so long. It's nice to be back.

Current Location: Hattiesburg
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Silence

So, I'm on the Coast at my mother's house...or the house I'll soon be moving into....in a room too small to mention. One week. One solid week. This has been the craziest month of my life. It has flown by faster than the time after Katrina. I've been forced to sit down and do a self-eval. Granted, I've forced myself to do so, I think it's about time for that. Besides, I just drove 80 miles alone... some self-eval time was eminent.

Usually, when I go off in another direction with my life, I have control over things...I have a plan...a direction, if you will. For some reason, this has been more difficult for me than I could have ever imagined. I think the worst part of it all is the fact that, other than answering the same 40 questions over and over---(I have to take a pause here just to mention "F*ck her Gently" just came on my internet radio and I'm having a horrible time concentrating on what I'm trying to say)---ok....so other than answering the same 40 questions over and over everyday on an hourly basis, I really haven't allowed myself to talk about anything involving the situation. I just have so much to do in the meantime that I feel like I really don't have time to dwell on the present. I have to pack, I have to pay the bills, to work, I need boxes, I have a storage unit, I have people pulling me in every direction. I've picked up shifts to make sure I have extra money so that I can take the first week of July off to paint my room, and move my shit, and rip up carpet...and whatever else I have to do to make this small ass room livable. In the meantime, I'm still living in the same apartment with Bruce. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells for no apparent reason other than the fact that I broke things off with him. I don't feel sorry for him, and he obviously doesn't need me to, but it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Things seem so casual in our apartment. It's difficult not to treat him as a boyfriend...nothing has changed really. I mean, we still live together. The reality of it all hasn't set in. We're two single people living together. I don't feel single. I don't feel anything other than awkward moments where habit slips in, and I'm not sure how to handle that right now. And eventually I won't have to handle it....because I will be gone...out of the situation.out of Hattiesburg....

And of course, I've confided in no one. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone in my head. And when I did let someone in, things just got contorted somehow.

On top of all of this, something else completely unrelated to my Hattiesburg life was thrown in my face in the worst way possible, and I've spent more than enough time trying to fix it. Trying to fix something I didn't break. To no avail. Always the same habits with me....someone else fucks up, and I'm left to try to piece it back together. Why? Why do I feel the urge to take on responsibilities that aren't mine? Because I care? Because I don't want to loose something else over NOTHING? I don't understand why my friends can't just be grown ups in grown up situations. If you want to act like a grown up and be in grown up situations, then it is your responsibility as a human being to be aware of your actions at all times. Not mine. I know what you're doing, and nine times out of ten, I'm just along for the ride. Until you start to affect my life. When you start affecting my life, I then take over your responsibilities (because I think that I can save the world sometimes) and try to turn things back around. Why am I doing your bidding? Because you aren't adult enough to do so? Because you still have that taste of high school in your mouth? Seriously? High school? Adult life, adult job, high school frame of mind. Those three things don't go together. And they never will. And the longer you allow yourself to "go with the flow of things" and act oblivious to yourself and your actions, and refuse to take responsibility for letting things go off in the wrong mother fucking direction, the longer you will be a lonely, miserable person. But you'll never read this, so you'll never know that. Poor you. Right? Poor, pitiful you.

----ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest....mostly-----
I'm exhausted and I can't sleep. Seven days. How in the hell am I going to get my shit together in seven days? I'm not...I know that I'm not. So, if you see me around, and we talk, and I seem to be somewhere else...well, I am. But just know that it's nothing personal. I have a lot going on right now. A whole lot more than I am willing to admit.

So, now that my secret is out (for the most part), I shall post it here for everyone else to see.

I am moving home. Friday, June 30th, is my last day at O'Charley's in Hattiesburg.

For answers to the questions that I have already answered a thousand times in the past few weeks, see below:

--I'm moving in with my mom.
--I'm transferring to our Gulfport store for the time being. I need to have a job as soon as I get there.
--No, he's not coming with me.
--I am through with Hattiesburg. It's made me numb to the world. I don't care about work anymore, I don't care about paying bills anymore, quite honestly I find it difficult to care about much of anything that requires my attention anymore...shit like that. H'burg was never permanent to me. Proof of that lies in the fact that in the past 4 years here, very few people got around my walls.
--Nothing happened. I'm unhappy, therefore he's unhappy. I haven't been a single person since I was like 16 years old. We didn't have a huge blow out, no one cheated on anyone, nothing happened. I suppose you can chalk that up to my so-called "pattern" if you want. We broke up because I want to go home. I want to go home because I am unhappy.
--Yes, I realize people are the same everywhere. But, what I have at home means more to me than anything. I'm not just homesick.
--Yes, I'm sure I'm not just homesick.
--Yes, I'll keep in touch.
--Yes, I'll come back to visit.
--No, I'm not ready to get married.
--3 and a half years. That's how long we were together.
--He thinks that I need something, and if I have to go back home to find it he shouldn't "hold me back". We both need something. It may just be time apart.
--Sure, we may get back together one day, but that's not the point right now. Right now the point is my sanity.
--My mother is supportive of this all, as are my friends and family. Not to say they would tell me if they weren't, but I guess the important part of that entire statement is the fact that mom is there for me.
--I'm fine, I swear.
--Yes, we are still living and working together. Yes, that is working out just fine. He's 28, I'm 24...not in high school.
--Of course I will miss you. Gah.

Ok, if that doesn't answer the question you have, feel free to ask. I'm sure it's already been asked...it's been a long month, to say the least. I swear I'm fine. I feel better already. You guys know that I love you. You know that I'll miss you. It's only the Coast........for now.
--

Tags: life
Current Mood: determined

I'm sick of weddings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Welcome to a rerun of last year in my life....starting with a ridiculously unexpected funeral...followed by a thousand weddings, showers, receptions, and reunions of all of the people I ran away from.

Thank you everyone for getting married this year!

Woo hoo.



That is all.

My new word that I tottaly stole from someone else :douchebagitude.

Ah, Life, it's things like that that get me through the day.

So, how am I? Question of the week. I think I'm over that question. I can only say, "I'm ok" so many times before I'm not ok again.

I have moments, you know? And I have them because I know that my sister has them. I hate not being there...I've hated it since I moved to H'burg. Now she's 300-something miles away, and I can't take the hour drive I used to. I have to see her when she's in town. I guess I can say I'm on her time now. I can also say that that sucks.

I found the pictures of the wreck online. Unintentionally, of course. I was looking for info on the woman that was in the wreck with Haileigh's father, and I ended up finding those pictures. Bad.

I really haven't talked about it much. Not the way I want to. I've generalized it in conversations, but nothing really comes of that. Now, though, I feel like it's too late to dig all of that back out of me at this point.

I keep getting wedding invitations in the mail, also. I got 3 in 2 days. Stoppit! That's a whole other subject. Marriage.

Ah, Life.

Tags: life

My brain has been through a lot lately. So much that I'm not really sure how to type all of this out.

My step-father died last Thursday. Head on collision, no seat belt. The woman he hit died too. Set aside feeling bad for me, and realize that my 14 year old sister was his child. Her daddy died.

I'm really not able to type much more out. And I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or anything. I just wanted everyone to know, because I kind of disappeared off the face of the earth for four days so I could go where i had to go.

so that's my life lately

Tags: life

I think things and I don't say them. I want things, but I don't need them. I have things, and they're replaceable. I have a life, and things are rhetorical. Stream of concienceness...here it goes.

You know, it did it, it's over and I feel fine...if you recognize that, you've listened to one of the best rock albums ever...one I see reflecting my life...sometimes I want to throw it all to the wind and see what happens, but most times I am afraid...spiders scare me too...this is why I don't sleep--because it never stops...not even with medication, be it medical or from a bar...Ronnie knows things no one else knows and the only reason I mentioned that is b/c he just signed on...I need a shower...people that aggrivate me never cease...even if I ignore them...it's a shame we have to die my dear...no one's getting out of here alive--this time...is it going to be like that?....I've been up for a very long time, but not long enough to qualify...looking back on this will people think I'm crazy?...Wiggins...I've never done this before--I'm not sure exactly what that pertains to....there are several things in my head...should I constatnly think about ________....I put a blank there, not for a name...don't be that person....can you hear me? hear me screaming?......I don't even want to finish this now...i don't even want to spell check it...and if you know me you know that that is crazy....the "I" in that last thought isn't capitalized and I'll think about it later..........................................................................................................................................................................................................done done and done.

Current Mood: cold